Part of the reason Mike and I started this journey of the soul was to stop all the incessant thoughts that bombarded us on a daily basis. We were both plagued with negative thinking and we both wanted freedom. The thoughts were never ending and ruled our lives.
Mike has a powerful story of how he talked to himself for 6 hours straight, had a spiritual awakening, and then healed himself of a chronic back problem. He then started searching everything possible to get more information as to why he was in such a low state of being, how to stop the negative self talk and how to be present. We met right after his awakening and it was a time where I was ready to restart my spiritual journey.
Even though we were studying consciousness, chakras, meditation, presence, various belief systems, different healing modalities, essential oils, yoga, astrology, finding God in numerous things, chi, breath, sacred geometry, the dream body, our authentic self, love, letting go, death, frequencies—to name a few—we still couldn’t stop the chatter. We constantly fought about who was more conscious. Mike would tell me that I’m not present enough or I don’t meditate and do yoga enough. I would tell him that he was too judgmental and got angry too easily and didn’t have enough love. There were so many stupid things we would tell each other. Mike was afraid I wasn’t going to be enough—that I wouldn’t be the woman he wanted to eventually marry and spend the rest of his life with. I was afraid that he was right and that he would leave me. It was a vicious cycle that we kept playing over and over and over again.
Honestly, I think that’s the fear a lot of men and women play back and forth. It’s the never-ending story of not enough. We constantly point the finger and blame the other person for everything they are doing to us, but the truth is—we’re just reflecting what’s really deep inside of us. The fears that Mike had about me were really fears he had about himself. He was afraid that he wouldn’t meditate, do yoga or have presence and he constantly got mad or frustrated with me because he was afraid I was affecting his own practice.
When I would tell Mike that he was too judgmental, I was judging him. When I would tell him that he got angry too easily, I was usually frustrated which is a form of anger. When I said he didn’t have enough love—well that was actually true lol—but it was also judging him. When I look back at it all it seems so dumb and childish, but the truth is we couldn’t stop it. Our emotions would flare up and we couldn’t control them. Mike’s fears would come out through his anger. My rejection, abandonment and victimhood would come out through sadness and defensiveness. And it would just cycle back and forth. It was awful and I spent many nights crying. My heart hurt and I felt tightness in my chest and sharp pains coming from my heart. My throat would choke up and I wouldn’t be able to talk. Tears would just stream down my face and I was so afraid I was going to lose my soul mate that I couldn’t just walk away from all the pain we were creating.
This was not a healthy relationship and we both knew it. We were terrible to each other and don’t get me wrong there were many times we were great to each other, but we were both so broken from our past that we couldn’t be whole with each other.
I know a lot of people talk about not being two half people, but rather being two whole people coming together into a romantic relationship. I never really understood what that meant. Sure I could explain it to people, but the truth is until it drops down to the heart it means nothing. Someone once told me that the longest road is from the mind to the heart.
Until revelations hit the heart, they’re only theories and ideas you have in your mind.
Sure you can explain them this way and that but until you actually practice and take action—it’s nothing. It’s not a truth because it’s just floating around in your brain and you haven’t allowed it to really truly actually transform you. It won’t be truth until you act and until you act it’s all theory.
I actually tried to take this journey early on in our relationship. I realized that I needed to do work on myself. I didn’t want to cause so much pain in our relationship that there was no coming back. I had been there with my ex-husband and I vowed to myself that I would never allow any relationship to get the way I did with my ex. But somehow with Mike, all of it just came rushing back.
I had dated other men before Mike and no one ever made me feel like Mike did. I was never afraid to loose anyone else. Sure I cried over some people, but I eventually got over it quickly because I knew there was always someone else out there. I started to notice that with every new partner they just kept getting better and better so I was never afraid to move on. Mike changed that. I could see the man he was becoming and even if he didn’t treat me the best I knew one day he would realize what he was doing because he was on a path to changing, to discovering, to becoming his authentic true light loving beautiful Self. I believed in him and I loved him more than anyone I had ever loved. There were so many things about him and us that I had always dreamed of. I constantly told Mike that I felt that I had dreamed him into existence even if we were fighting.
I just hadn’t anticipated how long it would take. I realized that I saw a lot of myself in Mike with my relationship with my ex-husband. I was constantly not happy that my ex-husband wasn’t the man I wanted him to be and I was constantly telling him he needed to change to be the man I needed. He did the same to me and we played that game until we got our divorce.
It’s funny how karma can bite you in the ass but it’s always a valuable lesson.
It seemed the tables had turned. Now I was in the position of my ex-husband and Mike was me. I think that’s why I had so much grace for the way Mike was treating me, but for some reason I couldn’t always explain it to him. The moments that I could explain things to Mike were always powerful and healing. I was able to curb his anger and call him out on his shit and sometimes I would just cry and walk away. I hated fighting and it always hurt my heart. I had spent most of my entire life fighting and I was so tired of it that sometimes crying was the best thing I knew how to do.
It wasn’t always Mike though. Sometimes it was me. I would react when he would try to help me see something about myself that I didn’t want to own up to. It sucks realizing the truth and sometimes we lie to ourselves to keep our own sanity, but it never helps us. All it does is trap us in the small dark parts of ourselves where we’re comfortable. Where we won’t grow. Where we’ll stay our entire lives unless we decide to do the work to free ourselves. The truth was my own fears and pain activated Mike’s fears, anger and pain. His stuff activated my stuff and it would all swirl around in our merry go round of pain.
We were two half people trying to become whole people, but hurting each other in the process.
Mike wouldn’t let me leave to do self-development because he believed I was trying to leave the relationship. He still had lots of fears and it caused him to grasp tightly, but I did the same. We both had attachment issues, but I knew I needed to leave, not him. I needed to leave in order to dive deep within myself in order to become whole. I needed to leave so that I could be better and not react no matter what pain he threw at me. I needed to leave so he could work on himself too. I needed to leave so that we could be whole together.
I needed to leave before we hurt each other too much to where we would no longer be in love anymore. I knew this road. I walked it before and I refused to walk it again, but I couldn’t walk away from Mike. I loved him so much I chose to stay, but it was rough. It was hard. It was terrible. It wasn’t what any relationship should be, but we were both determined to get to a place where there was no more fear.
I wouldn’t recommend anyone do what we had done, but if you’re committed to your own growth you will eventually come out on top. Mike and I were not only committed to our own personal journeys, we were also committed to each other. Mike did a 180 and started treating me better than he had ever treated me. I couldn’t believe how fast he had transformed. He was more loving and patient. He stopped yelling and toned down his anger. He found ways to show me his love. It was like I was dating a whole new man.
The problem was I hadn’t transformed. I was too afraid to move forward on my spiritual path because I had so many fears about what it all meant. I was afraid it wasn’t going to be true. I was afraid I would have to help people if I realized things. I was afraid of getting close to God. I was afraid my spiritual gifts would wake up again and people would call me a witch and mentally ill like what happened when I was a Christian. I was fucking scared and I knew it. I couldn’t move forward and because I couldn’t move forward I kept reacting. Mike and I kept fighting and I could tell I was losing him.
We both joined a mastermind group on how to Awaken to our Authentic Self and it helped. We were taught that any reaction is an ego. That the things we see and blame others for is really things we’ve struggled with inside ourselves whether it be past or present. Most likely it’s something we’re currently struggling with because everything is a reflection and a lesson. If you concentrate on the things you don’t like instead of looking at yourself you’ll only bring heartache and pain to the forefront of the relationship.
Whatever your attention is on is what you will attract and manifest into your life.
I had learned before this group that we are the awareness, but I didn’t fully understand what that meant until we joined this mastermind. I would watch myself react to Mike even though I didn’t want to. I would want to stop myself but the words would just blurt out of my mouth. I was the awareness watching my emotions react. It was one of the most frustrating things I had ever been through. But then the leaders of our group would tell me that getting frustrated was the frustration ego and that I should be happy I was even aware that I wanted to stop myself. It was a wonderful revelation and I will always be grateful for the work I did in this mastermind. This was and is a powerful group. They helped us through so much.
Mike and I continued to fight even though we were in the mastermind. Mike had his struggles and I had mine, but I knew something was up. I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong that it was causing me to react. I finally realized that I didn’t love him the same anymore. I had anger and resentment stored inside of me for the things Mike had done to me and I couldn’t just let it go. The problem was I couldn’t forgive him. I kept replaying in my mind all the things Mike had done to me and it was causing me to react. It was triggering things in my mind, body, and soul. And it wasn’t just about Mike. It was about every time someone had done me wrong. I had balled it up and put it on Mike’s shoulders to carry. It sucked and I realized I needed to do some deep inner work.
The truth is when you can’t forgive someone if you dig deep enough you’ll find that you can’t forgive yourself.
I couldn’t forgive myself for allowing Mike to treat me the way he had and in turn I couldn’t forgive him for what he had done to me. I also couldn’t forgive myself for all the terrible situations that I had been through my entire life. I was angry, bitter, and resentful that I kept recreating the same situation over and over again. Sure I could blame everyone for the things that happened to me, but the path of blame never leads to peace. I knew I needed to dive in and do some serious healing.
We had talked about me leaving to an ashram in April this year. I had this revelation of needing to dive deep with myself back in August the previous year. Mike and I finally decided in November that I was going. I tried all kinds of things to sabotage this trip. It was pretty ridiculous, but the truth was I was scared shitless. I was afraid to dive deep. I was afraid of what I would find. I was afraid of my entire existence falling apart. I was afraid Mike would leave me and find someone new. I was afraid of so many damn things, but in the end, I knew I had to go.
Sometimes you have to do the things that scare you the most because it will awaken you to the best version of yourself.
We get so comfortable staying where we are in our character that we get stagnant and complacent. We don’t want to do the work because it brings all kinds of crap out of the woodworks and it tears us a new one. No one likes to be gutted and forced to face their demons. It sucks. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts. It means dealing with the truth. It means owning up to our shit and being honest with ourselves of what really fucking happened. And it’s never pretty and painted with pink bows and flowers growing out of our asses. It’s ugly. It’s like a unicorn who doesn’t know it shits rainbows and instead shits diarrhea from both ends. It’s terrible, trust me I know.
It’s awful and excruciating because the truth is we have to get real with ourselves. It all just hurts, but if we stay where we’re at our true self begins to die along with our dreams. It’s not a place any of us had planned for our picture perfect life, but it’s what makes us feel safe.
I wanted to stay safe in my bubble of pain, but it was tearing apart my relationship and it was causing my own self to suffer. I was tired of playing the victim. I was tired of being defensive. I was tired of feeling rejected and abandoned. I tired of being fearful. I was tired of never writing even though I wanted to be a writer. I was tired of starting millions of projects and overwhelming myself. I was tired of never doing the things I wanted to do. I was tired of treating myself like shit. I was fucking tired and completely done.
Sometimes you have to get to a point where you feel like your losing everything in order to go after what you know you should do. Sometimes you just have to get to a place of being fed up with how you’ve been living your life. Either way, once you’ve reached that point, you either choose to stay in the vicious cycles you’ve been spinning in your entire life or you decide to make a change. You either continue to live in your insanity or you decide to do what’s best for you. It’s funny when you think about, but I’m sure some of you know exactly what I’m talking about.
It’s not easy doing what we know will help us, but when we trust and take the leap it will always lead us to freedom.
I’ve known almost my entire life that I was supposed to go on a journey by myself. I knew it when I got divorced. I knew it when Mike and I started fighting. I knew it even when I was trying to sabotage this trip. What I couldn’t deny was that my heart was pulling me to go on a journey to be alone.
The heart is a gift given to us by an amazing Creator who knew we would need a compass to guide us through all the treacherous seas of life. We are blessed with an internal guide to direct us to our true path in life. Our heart knows things we don’t. It leads us, guides us and it will always always bring us home.
The next time you feel doubts about what you know you should do, I hope you remember my story. I hope you decide a lot sooner than I did to do what will serve you the most. I hope you stop wasting your precious time and beautiful life with negative thoughts and patterns. I hope you see that you too can conquer your fears. I hope your brave enough to enter the seemingly treacherous waves of your soul.
If you take this journey into the deepest parts of your being, I know there will be treasures and wonders in the far reaches of your soul just waiting for you to unearth. Sometimes you know things you can’t explain and you just have to trust that inner knowing. It’s your compass, your north star, your truth.
I’ve been in India for less than a week and I know it’s exactly what I needed to do. I’m feeling more at peace and everything I’m learning feels safe, divine, beautiful and perfect. I don’t claim to have all the answers and I never will, but I do know this for a fact: trust what your heart tells you. Because when you do, it will always lead you to your truth.