It’s been almost a month here in India and I’m learning so much. Ayurveda, which means “science of life” and daily morning routines to stay healthy and active. Ayurveda walking and oil massage. Thai massage. Anatomy and Physiology. Shivananda yoga. Tridosha asanas. Breath work. Lectures on philosophy, tantra, yoga history, sexual history and freedom. Soon I’ll be starting the Pancekarma course and Bhagavan will be teaching us kung fu because I asked him if he could. It’s actually quite perfect considering the name of my blog — Conscious Kung fu. It’s a bit more than you would get at your regular teacher training course and for a lot less than you would pay anywhere else. It’s pretty amazing and I really believe I found another home.
I’m learning all these things while building relationships with people from all over the world. In the month of November we only had 5 first time students — one student from Belgium who is also one of our yoga instructors, 2 long term students and 2 instructors. Towards the end of the month more people started to arrive. I’m pretty sure we tripled in size. We have people from all over the world. Germany. Ireland. England. Austria. Czech Republic. Russia. Amsterdam. Belgium. Peru. Finland. India. Romania. Italy. I was the only American student in November, but another student came this month from New Mexico. We have two teachers that are from America, but one of them lives here permanently studying under Bhagavan. We call the guru Bhagavan for short because he’s got an extremely long name. Lol. There are several long term students who have come back for several years and I hear there are more coming in the future months. It’s a pretty incredible program and it’s easy to see why so many people keep coming back.
On top of all of this I’m trying to study on my own time. I brought 6 books with me and I ended up buying 15 more books here in India — most of them being books that the ashram recommends and some from other yoga schools I’m interested in and some I found to further my learning. Books are so cheap here in India! I realize I’m not going to finish all of these books, but I’m so thirsty for knowledge right now because of all the truths I’m learning and because it’s all so fascinating to me. I’ve always known that I would be a life long learner and I’m excited for the wealth of information found here in India.
Between all these different classes, my own studying, taking time to relax and check out the local surroundings, getting to know the different people here at the ashram — I’ve been trying to manage blogging and the Instagram I started for my blog. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve actually started 5 different blogs — 2 of which turned into short stories – lol – and ended up not finishing them because there was so much more to write and there was tons of editing to do. Basically the majority of my blogs have been short stories and the thing is I want to write the long blogs that I’ve been writing but I’m starting to get overwhelmed.
I feel like I’m being pulled in multiple directions. I want to write because it’s been healing for me and I’m finally in a place where writing comes easy to me. It’s all just flowing out of me like it’s all apart of my nature. I’m also motivated because I’m getting so much good feed back from so many people. I love that I’m inspiring people and helping them to look at themselves –that was always my intention for writing in the first place.
What I realize is that my blogs are short stories and they take hours to write. I write them, read them over, edit them, add more info–and by the end of it I’m somewhere around 5-7 hours. Holy shizer right? Yeah and to be honest I fucking LOVE it. It’s actually very therapeutic for me. But what this means is I don’t get a lot of sleep, I have to limit my time with all the wonderful people here at Shri Kali and I’m sacrificing study time in order to write my blog.
I had posted originally on Facebook that I was going to try and blog everyday and boy was that extremely unrealistic. My new goal is now once a week. If I post more than that – yay, bravo! But I have to be realistic with my time and I have to honor myself. I was beginning to feel like I’m failing because I wasn’t able to write my long ass posts of deep revelations about my life and it was causing me to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. Then I was getting angry that I started a blog in the first place because I was feeling like I did it again – I started a bunch of new projects and overloaded my schedule. I don’t know about y’all but this is an area I need to work on. I also need to work on having grace for myself and not being an over achiever.
And then I realized that I don’t want my blog to EVER feel like a chore and that’s what it was beginning to feel like. Especially when I felt the need to write something super long and inspirational – which took hours and hours to write.
I was also caring too much about what other people think about me. I was feeling like no one would read my blog unless they were huge revelations and I had fears people would get bored and decide not to follow me. It’s so stupid really. It was all in my head and I was causing myself to feel unnecessary stress because of it.
It’s funny how we cause ourselves to stress out over fictitious fears in our heads.
The truth is it doesn’t matter if people don’t read my blog every time I post. I had to get real with myself and I realized it was me feeling the need of wanting to be enough. We live in such a society that we want those likes and loves, but then we’re always searching for that validation. When we don’t get that validation, somehow we feel unloved.
But the truth is we’re always loved and until we fully understand that, we’ll always be searching for some kind of validation to make us feel whole.
One of the reasons I came to India was because I don’t want to look for validation in others anymore. I want to feel whole inside myself and love myself fully and respect whats best for me. I have to get myself in a headspace where I’m not just writing this blog for other people, but realize that this blog was meant for me first and foremost. Which means I can write whenever I feel led and if I don’t post weekly, who cares. If I lose followers, who cares. If I don’t get likes, who the fuck cares. Lol.
I create my reality and I choose to live in a place of peace and love.
In order for me to be in peace in love I have to stop expecting that I have to write huge ass revelations. Maybe some of my blogs will be journal entries of what happened during the day or maybe a small entry on my perspective of something I learned or maybe an experience I had or maybe a person I adore. Yeah I know some of you are laughing and thinking duh Trinidad that’s what we were looking for in the first place. So I’ll just sit my over achiever self down and tell her to calm the fuck down and slow down her roll. Lol. I also have to remind myself to be gentle with all my egos aka programs (totally will have a blog for that too! Lol).
So everyone, I just want you to know that not every blog is going to be a short story. Not every blog will move you to make positive change. Some blogs may be boring. Some may be long. Some may be short. Some may be transformational and maybe they won’t. It doesn’t matter what they are because at the end of the day, Conscious Kung Fu is for me.