A Victim to My Reality

Sometimes life

is a bunch of endless circles

Patterns,

habits,

programs,

algorithms,

fractures in our crystalline body

Circles that go round and round

Wounds that repeat

Stories on replay

Energy stuck in a cycle

that does not serve us

Feeling trapped

Unable to speak the truth

Sickness and dis-ease become normal

Unchecked thoughts that run a muck

Thoughts full of fear, hatred and judgement

*

*

I’ve been here before

I remember

My throat feels like a big knot

My chest feels like it’s caving in

My heart feels like it’s in excruciating pain

Yes I remember this pattern

My old friends—base emotions—

that come to teach me a new lesson,

but instead I use them as fuel

for my victim story

to keep me trapped

in a vicious cycle of misery

I’ve pushed away resentment, regret, blame, not enough, judgment,

anger, rage & jealousy

I hid them far away

from the light I wanted to emulate

Hiding in the shadow of my darkness

And the shadow of my light

I denied my involvement

with these lower base emotions

bc I was afraid

they would define me as a person

*

*

I wanted to illuminate my soul

not dampen it with things

that do not serve me

Instead of taking them through the fire

to alchemize their medicine

I burned them up in denial

and ran as far as I could go

I ignored the pains in my body

Ignored the advice of my loved ones

Ignored my inner child

Ignored my true authentic whole self

Ignored my guardians and angels

And most of all ignored God

*

*

I threw my heart, body and soul

into a pendulum of emotions.

Hard swing left

to the light

Hard swing right

to the darkness

An imbalance distant from the Tao

Residing in chaos and turmoil

One day

And then joy and bliss

Another day

Completely Imbalanced

*

*

I lied to myself telling myself

if I help others, everything will be okay.

I lied to myself and said one day

I’ll be ready to face the darkness

but not now.

I lied to myself and said

I was too busy.

I lied to myself and made

all kinds of excuses

of why I wasn’t showing up for myself

and others closest to me.

I lied to myself and told myself

I’d rather reincarnate

instead of look at my demons

I said I’d reincarnate to serve humanity—noble as it seems,

it was masked in fear

I lied bc I thought

it was all protecting me

But it wasn’t

*

*

I was digging my grave

Putting up a white flag

to the rushing attacks

of the ego I formed

The ego of the closed heart

The ego with all the walls

The ego who couldn’t let anyone in.

Me.

The awareness that accepted

pain, victim, blame and fear as truth.

*

*

Who am I?

A question I’ve been asking myself for many years now.

How do I define who I am?

Are my actions me?

Are my choices me?

Are my thoughts me?

If this is me then I’ve become

a terrible human being that cannot function within this physical form.

If this is me I’m doomed.

If this is me I don’t deserve to live.

If this is me,

the world would be a better place

with one less scum bag like me.

If this is me, I shouldn’t exist.

*

*

Harsh. I know.

It’s my inner critic.

The one that’s drives me

to emotionally eat.

The one that emotionally reacts.

The one that has

no control over their emotions.

The one that is full of hate and fear.

The one that hates me.

*

*

Deep breath.

Yeah I needed that too.

This is my inner world.

This is what anyone close to me

had to deal with.

This is why I keep everyone at a distance.

This is why my circle of deep friendships

is actually quite minuscule.

This is why

I have separated from intimacy.

This is why

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

*

*

I had no more hope

in who I was as a being.

I gave up trying to be good.

Well at least to those closest to me.

I treated my loving partner like shit

And justified all my actions with lies.

I treated everyone but myself

and those closest to me

like the cream of the crop

I helped friends in need and the helpless

I lied to myself and told myself

that bc I help others

I didn’t need to help myself.

*

*

The wounded healer.

The wounded warrior.

The damsel.

The princess.

The slave girl.

The rebel.

The victim.

The saboteur.

The wounded child.

The prostitute.

The dark queen.

*

*

A slave to my Archetypes

Falling prey to the shadows

I resisted within myself

The Great Pretender.

I embodied The Lie.

I embodied the shame.

I embodied the guilt.

And it was all destroying

everything I loved–

myself,

my engagement,

my entire world.

*

*

I had utterly become

a victim to my reality.

*

*

To be continued…

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