Mike and I decided to uncouple / end our engagement in Bali.
I’ve been debating about sharing what’s been going on with me in all of this. It’s been a couple weeks now and I didn’t want to share bc this really sucks. I also didn’t want to share bc I was processing a lot of information. My heart feels like it’s choking and I’m trying to process it with affirmations, positive thoughts, letting go, sometimes repression and lots of denial.
Part of my denial was avoiding making the social media post where everyone would find out and tons of people would message us ask questions or comment or text or call. I was also in denial and hoping we would somehow reconcile, but the truth is it’s important for me to take a season by myself to address these limiting beliefs so I can generate my own self love so I can give love fully. I honestly wasn’t even going to post about this for months but it just made me feel like I was hiding and avoiding. And the truth is I’m tired of avoiding and being in denial bc it’s just pattern / limiting belief.
We were engaged and we were going through a lot in how we communicate and process our emotions. We’re both still learning how to do this in a healthy way and we both have room for improvement. One of my biggest challenges in this relationship was self love. If I’m honest with myself this is an area I need to spend some time in. I’ve gone from one relationship to another relationship with no real breaks to really understand who the real Trinidad is.
At the core of the reasons why we broke up was because of my inability to love myself fully. I’m highly self critical and I know its a limiting belief of mine that I’m in the process of transmuting. Being this way caused me to be unable to receive constructive criticism from Mike about myself. I turned it into a ‘story’ of non acceptance, not enough, he’s going to leave me (victim mindset aka survival Archetype) – the bedrock of low self esteem.
Many times he approached me with something about myself that I needed to work on and he would have a frustrated tone. The truth is anyone would be frustrated if someone they love keeps repeating the same patterns for almost 4 years. I would focus on his tone instead of looking at the pattern. This created no results. Yes it takes two to tango and yes Mike has his own things but this is about me owning up to my own shit.
And the truth is Mike loved me dearly—he was ready to marry me, have kids and move to the Philippines. He saw all the good and all the bad and accepted me fully. He saw all my shit and all my patterns and he didn’t care bc he knew what it was like to have his own patterns. We went through so much together. I held space for a lot of his patterns and he held space for mine. It’s why he took so much time to just be. He was doing so much deep diving and lots of work to upgrade his belief system and mindset. He did it and he believed I could too. We both were learning, reading, studying and I wasn’t getting the same results bc I was avoiding it and in denial bc it made me feel like something was wrong with me.
He tried so many times to help me bust through the patterns and I would change for 2 weeks and sometimes a month and then I would go back. Not intentionally. I would get on social media or create some kind of project or I’d join a program or course or a retreat to ‘fix’ me and all of sudden all my self care started slipping and then when the self care slipped the patterns started. The mind runs amuck when you don’t train it to be still and non reactive. Meditation is pivotal to having peace and clarity.
The problem was I focused too much on the negative, the story, the patterns, the shadows—instead of focusing on the desired outcome. The shadow is there to teach us not for us to live in it. I didn’t realize that until it was too late. What sucks is I started focusing and writing out my desired goal for our relationship right before we decided to go separate ways.
The interesting thing is I have actually learned a shit ton of information in the last couple years and I can talk lots about many things. And although I understand it intellectually, I took in way too much information instead of actually applying the fundamentals — it’s one of the main reasons I had no real progress in the last 3 years and it’s also one of the patterns Mike kept pointing out to me. There’s a part of me that wants to kick myself in the ass for that (self critical bizzo part of me – I’ll call her Gina – lol) and then there’s a part of me that realized I did the best with what I had and knew. I have to remember to be gentle with myself.
This is the most challenging thing I have ever had to go through. Losing the man of my dreams who was so many of the things I wanted and dreamed a man to be has made me realize how deep my self sabotage is and how thick my survival Archetypes are.
What’s important to remember is that I know I will change. I am committed to the process of positive changes. I am willing to release the pattern in me. I deserve & accept my best life now. I know by focusing on my goal I will achieve what I set my heart out to achieve. I know I can and I will.
As you can see I’m processing a lot. This is me being radically vulnerable and I’m taking steps towards my healing by starting this #SelfLoveChallenge with @Amber Amber Sears @amberlsears. If I complete the challenge I may win a 3 month 1:1 coaching package with Amber which would most likely upgrade my life and help me get past my limiting beliefs. Please join me on this journey of self love by following my 10 day journey, commenting, encouraging me or giving me words of wisdom. I’ll be sharing my process of healing from my relationship and I’ll be honoring the man that Mike is and was to me. I’m going take full ownership for all my shit and be radically responsible for how I created this. I wholeheartedly believe we were twin flame soulmates – I just couldn’t receive his love. I am grateful for our love and all the many lessons that he taught me. I know we taught each other a lot and I know that’s why it’s hard to let go, at least for me.
I’m learning to look forward to loss and separation. I’m learning to be okay no matter what happens. I’m learning to trust the Universe/God and be still in all that is. I’m learning the only reason it hurts is bc I had an attachment. I’m learning that no matter what commitments were made neither one of us belongs to other. We are both free individuals following where our hearts lead us. I’m learning to trust that this was always apart of our journey. I’m learning that love starts with our Self first.