I gave up.
Many times this year.
I was tired of men not wanting to commit to a relationship even though they thought I was incredible, meeting men who had things in their lives that I wasn’t willing to take on, or younger guys coming after me who hadn’t done any of the work I had done.
I felt like I was too old.
I felt like I knew too much and had to teach the guys I was meeting everything.
I felt like damaged goods because my former fiancé left me for another younger woman with less baggage.
I can’t tell you how many people would find out that I was engaged to Mike Chang and then they would bro crush about him and look at me like — sux you lost such a legend. They didn’t have to say it — I saw it and felt it.
I remember going home and crying because I would tell myself the lie that I failed and lost the man that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I blamed myself for losing him and for a time I hated myself bc (because) of all of this. I kept playing memories over and over that I could have acted differently or said something else that would have built our love.
When Mike left me, I was at one of my worst points in my life. I had social anxiety, I lost hope in my ability to create, and I felt not good enough again because this was the 2nd time he left me for another woman. I couldn’t blame him though, I manifested this woman he left me for just as much as he manifested her.
I remember fight after fight—I would think:
“damn should we even be together?”
“maybe he’s not the one”
“should love be this hard”
“maybe I’m not for him”
“I want to be alone”
“I don’t want this”
“We shouldn’t be together”
AND I would say it out loud to him and he would say things like this to me. We agreed after a while not to say it bc we knew it was destroying our relationship and speaking death into it.
Sometimes people don’t realize the things they say when they’re hurt is sewing seeds of death into their relationship.
Sometimes it’s better to hold that toxic tongue and not say anything. We say the worst things when we’re playing the archetype of the victim. Hurt people tend to hurt people—they don’t even realize they’re doing it and maybe they do but can’t control their emotions.
Anytime I’d meet a guy…I’d have hopes that he was the one. I either get annoyed bc they hadn’t done the personal development work that I had done or I would fall madly in love with them bc they were actually one of my soulmate matches–I checked everyone’s astrology with mine bc it matters.
When Mike left he found out that his current partner (and btw I’m very happy for them bc she’s perfect for him) was his perfect astrology match. I, of course, had to find out what she was. And I read their charts together and they were a perfect match. I read Mike and I’s chart and every single problem we had the last 4-5 years was in our charts. I literally laughed and cried reading it all. It was ridiculous how on point it was. It was true and it was real.
I showed Mike and he said he knew that’s why he kept trying all the things he did bc he wanted it to work but I just threw up walls and acted out of my pain and ego every time. Fuck. Yeah. I did that.
I knew in that moment I had to let go. I remember after my divorce from my former husband I swore I would never keep anyone in a relationship they didn’t want to be in bc I knew what it felt like to not be able to leave a relationship bc the other person wouldn’t let go. It felt like I was trapped—I refused to do that to Mike no matter how much I loved him and thought we were supposed to be together forever.
The truth is we were meant to be in each other’s life’s for the time that we were. He was my twin flame and we went through hell together. We grew the most we had grown with anyone that we had previously dated and to be honest with myself — Mike had outgrown me. I wasn’t willing to look at my demons bc I was afraid it would make him leave. Well he ended up leaving bc I was too afraid to face it all.
After he left, I was broken but inspired.
I realized either I could fall into the pattern of being the victim I had always been or I could rise above all the ashes of the past. I chose to rise and that I did.
I had this book by Wayne Dyer “The Power of Intention” and to be honest I didn’t finish it but is saved my life. It gave me the confidence to rise above everything I had just gone through even though all I wanted to do was cry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed by Mike and by the woman he left me for. I confided in her about my problems with Mike and that made her go after him harder (I realize I created that) bc I was trying to manipulate the situation and make her my friend. It obviously didn’t work and only worked against me and now I believe it worked for me and for all of us. Isn’t it interesting the stories we create to create a perpetual world of lies to trap us in lower emotions? I realize now no matter how hard it was — it was for the best for all of us.
I told her to leave Mike alone but you can’t stop love when love births inside someone and they…they were falling in love. Right in front of me. You can’t imagine how fucking hard this was for me. Watching the man you thought you would love for the rest of your life—fall in love with a beautiful blue eyed white woman (yeah I went there bc that’s what I felt). I felt like damn them white women get EVERYTHING. Tears. Lots of tears bc I was so damn jealous and hurt and I turned it all into a story. A story about my skin color and the white woman getting everything yet again.
I told myself to stop it. I was very stern with myself bc it’s so easy to make up stories that weren’t true. Mike left me bc I pushed him a way and treated him poorly. I treated him poorly bc I couldn’t forgive him for the times he hurt my heart. I had grown bitter and resentful and I snapped at him and constantly defended myself and pointed out his weaknesses bc he did it to me. I was at my lowest and he didn’t deserve how I was treating him. I didn’t deserve how I was treating myself. I hated myself bc Mike constantly pointed out the bad in me. He was trying to help me but you can’t help someone by telling them all the things they fail at. I was already hard on myself to have the man of my dreams do the same…broke me.
I don’t blame Mike for anything that happened. We co-created it. I love that man and I always will. He showed me things about myself and saw so much beauty in me that I couldn’t see.
I took this last year to finally heal all the broken pieces in my soul. I refused to go into another committed relationship being broken or having a victim story. I knew the next man would be my king and I was going to be ready for him in every way.
I was gifted healing sessions from so many incredible friends. I remember crying so hard in each of those sessions bc I was committed to Mike and I felt so betrayed. The thing was I wasn’t committed to myself throughout my relationship with him and now I had the opportunity to love myself and love myself fully. I remember in one session with Megan and Brave — they asked me what was it in Mike that I missed the most. After I listed a ton of traits about him that I was going to miss they told me that my soul is crying out to me to give those traits to myself and it’s a reflection of what already exists inside of me. I broke down when I realized this.
In another session they told me to pay attention to how hard I tried to love Mike but I could not meet him no matter how kind he became. He healed himself and was turning into a beautiful human and I couldn’t meet him. They told me to pay attention to the fact I couldn’t make any changes while I was with him and maybe just maybe that was all a part of the my life’s plan. The journey. I had a hard time believing this at the time and I contemplated this concept. Maybe I was meant to fight with him. Maybe I couldn’t change bc we weren’t meant to be together.
My heart was having a hard time believing I was supposed to be with anyone else bc I had devoted myself to him. I had even asked myself if Mike left me again for another woman would I still take him back? I told myself I would bc I knew he would only be acting out of the hurt little boy inside of him. So glad I overcame that promise to myself but it took time to let it go. Believing that we fought so hard bc we weren’t actually supposed to be together gave me comfort that we weren’t meant to be together forever and helped me to believe there would be a man out there that I would love and he would love me back and he would ONLY want me and no one else. I wouldn’t be seconds like Mike had done to me. There was going to be a man out there that ONLY saw me as his woman and no one else. I deserved this and I knew it. And that’s exactly what happened.
I had spent so much time trying to prove to Mike that I was the one that I kept covering all the worst things about me. I was putting band aides on all my problems and sweeping it under the rug hoping he would accept the broken me. What I needed was to love myself and love these broken parts so they could finally heal.
We run from the work bc we’re afraid of what it means about us but that’s where the gold is.
The work is accepting the ugliest shit about your soul bc the truth is we’re all light and shadow. When we push away the filthy parts of us were creating a disassociation with ourselves.
We take something that’s apart of who we are and we lock it away in a dungeon and tell it to stay in the dark so we don’t have to look at it. Can you imagine being put in a cage and left there to deal with all the darkest terrible things about yourself? I can’t either but yet we as humans do it over and over again. We lock up our shadows and throw away the key and hope that it will resolve itself and it does—it resolves into sickness and dis-ease.
One day humanity will wake up and realize we’re all just killing ourselves with the way we treat ourselves and bc of unforgiveness we hold in our hearts.
It took me 33 years of my life to finally see this. My 34th year was a journey into the deepest parts of my soul. I looked at every corner I could find. I went into all the dungeons I had created in every crevice of my being. It wasn’t easy and there were many days and nights in Bali that I just cried and held myself. Sometimes it was Danimal, Mike Vestil or Gavin that held me — brothers I will have for life. I’m so grateful they were there to witness me and let me cry and not get mad at me or tell me to suck it up and stop crying. I was blessed to have these men in my life who I had no sexual relationship with just pure brother sister love. I am forever grateful for their presence.
It’s magical when you can have healthy relationships with both genders and not expect to have anything sexual. Just pure love.
And you know what I did?
I fucking LOVED every damn part of me.
And you know what I found?
I found out that I was pretty fucking badass AND I had so much to discover about myself. I literally fell in love with ME. I was passionate. I was loving. I was fun. I was caring. I could DANCE. I wanted to help humanity and save the earth. I could write. I had friends that adored me and I adored them. I loved being alone. I loved being around people. I loved adventure. I loved trying new things. I loved EATING. Lol. I loved to laugh. I loved connecting deeply with the people that were close to me. I could be friends with men and not want sex with them. I could have close friendships with women. I loved animals. I loved humans in their weakest and cheered them on. I love this earth and all its beauty. I valued speaking to animals, the earth, plants and my guides, angels and especially God.
Pretty much I’m a badass and I’m still growing in love with myself. I have so much to love and learn about myself. And i know I’m beautiful and I can feel it and know it. This was something I didn’t know for years and something I struggled with when I was with Mike. I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough or beautiful enough bc he constantly criticized me. When I finally separated from his energy I could finally breathe and see me–all of me. And that’s when I began the journey of fully loving every aspect of my beautiful self. This is what healing looks like — it’s becoming whole and remembering who we really are without the masks and stories. It’s about loving yourself no matter what.
As long as you’re trying to hate your ego, shadows and the darkest parts of you–this will only be reflected back to you in friendships, romantic partners, family, business and career. Once your learn to accept the parts of you that you want to push away–that’s when you fully integrate your wholeness.
It’s not easy but it’s so worth it. It’s a journey of the soul to remember who you truly are. Somewhere along that path you realize your wholeness–that you are love wrapped in light and darkness and you’re absolutely beautiful in all aspects. This is how you heal and this is what it means to be whole.
When I cleared through the storm I had created–I realized I was ready for my King. I thought about spending years loving myself and being alone to discover more about myself but I decided fuck that. I want to be in love and love deeply. I want to go on adventures with someone not by myself. I had gone on some of the most epic adventures by myself and every time I knew I wanted to share it with someone.
There were so many times I felt like a brand new person throughout my 34th year. And there were many times I thought I wouldn’t meet the right person that I was meant to fall madly and deeply in love with. I thought maybe I was going to have many lovers throughout my life and maybe my soulmate didn’t make it this lifetime.
One after the other, I loved them fully and enjoyed them for the time I was with them. But none of them wanted to commit to the life I was painting. I’m pretty damn sure I scared some of them off with how fierce I was about my vision and dream of building an epic empire with someone. And how fast I move. I move fast and it’s not for everyone.
Whenever it didn’t work out my heart would die a little bit. I would always revive my heart by healing it and telling my heart to remain open, vulnerable, and trust that he will show up. I refused to go into story and I trusted that those men that came into my life were meant for us to grow and learn from each other. And it’s okay it didn’t work out. I was looking for a man that could handle all of my powerful beauty and not everyone can handle that. Only the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with — my king — would meet me where I was at.
And that’s exactly what happened in the Spanish mountains in a Hidden Paradise….
To be continued…
Art cover photo by Eleanor Niz