“I really like you a lot and it scares me.”
Jordy (pronounced yordy) had said this more than once to me and I didn’t want to ask him what he meant. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to like him. I knew he could probably feel the wall that I had up energetically. I had it up there for a reason–I was guarding my heart.
I had met so many men who were highly interested in me and either they had baggage I wasn’t willing to take on, or they hadn’t really done the work, or they would decide when I opened my heart completely to them that they weren’t ready to be in a committed relationship, or I wasn’t they’re type after all.
I had learned from reading the book, Untethered Soul, a lesson on remaining open.
We weren’t meant to close our heart around situations that we have attached emotions to. As humans we close our hearts when we perceive that we’ve been hurt. No one can hurt us but our own selves. Instead of being hurt and closing our hearts, it’s better to remain open and vulnerable.
I always try to remain vulnerable because (bc) that’s the best way to connect with others—especially romantically. But after going through a slew of men that were emotionally unavailable I couldn’t help but have a wall up.
Right before I met Jordy Vink, I was riding a plane to Paris upset that I was seeing red flags with a man from Montreal that I had fallen in love with. I had flown to see this man and had high hopes. He was the first man that returned my love and wasn’t afraid to fall deeply. He actually didn’t line up to multiple things I was calling in but he was one of my best astrology matches—so I ignored my gut feeling. He was also one of the most beautiful men I have ever met—which made me stupid fall for him.
I was also tired of dating entrepreneurs bc all they cared about was building their careers—which isn’t a bad thing but I wanted someone who wanted love first, career 2nd, but also wanted us to pursue our passions. I don’t want to stop anyone from their dreams but I wanted to matter. I wanted to have a deep love and trust where we both pursued our dreams but we were deeply committed to building a life together.
This was my second time visiting this man in Montreal and this time his children were back in town. I thought I wouldn’t care, but it bothered me. It added a whole other dynamic. I expressed my frustration several times, but he was a beautiful man. Before I knew it, nothing mattered bc he was an incredible lover. But then other things came up. Dishonesty about something really important—I tried to look over it but it really bothered me.
In the midst of me feeling all of this while I was alone at a friends home–my mom called me. She told me that she was praying about this man from Montreal and she could feel that he wasn’t being honest. She had received a vision about him that wasn’t very becoming of him and I got upset with her. Throughout my life my mom has always had a high intuition. She would receive visions and dreams about me and the men in my life. I always hated it when she was right bc it made me feel like I had no control over my life. Really I should be grateful but I didn’t want to believe her. She told me in that same conversation that I was supposed to be with a tall white man. She had a vision of this way before I had met Mike, my former fiancé who was Taiwanese. Anytime Mike and I got into fights my mom would bring up this vision of a tall white man and I would always get pissed at her. The man I was currently seeing was a black man. I’m pretty sure I told my mom she was being racist.
Early in the relationship a red flag had come up and I ignored it bc this man was treating me so wonderfully and the sex was good. I’m a Virgo Scorpio rising and sex is highly important aspect of the relationship for me. I used to hate this about myself bc I thought I was too much bc most men can’t keep up with me. I finally had learned to accept my sexuality, but at times I let it blind me.
Sometimes we bypass red flags when the sex and ‘love’ seem so good. We ignore our gut feeling and we push on even though our internal beacon is trying to tell us something.
I fly to Paris for a layover on my way the Ecstatic Awakening Retreat in Spain. I have 1 day and night in Paris to contemplate all of the thoughts running through my brain. I rent a bicycle to ride all over Paris and I come across people dancing salsa by the river. I traveled further and there were multiple different groups of people dancing different types of dance. There were whole bands playing music. It was amazing and magical. I receive a text from this man in the midst of this that he got fired from his job. I automatically try to tell him this is all for a reason and he can now pursue a career online so he can travel with me. Something I was trying to convince him to do from the start. You shouldn’t ever have to convince anyone to match the life you want to live.
If it doesn’t work–it doesn’t work. Don’t force things that don’t follow the river of life. If things aren’t a fuck yes–Pay attention to that. Your soul and intuition try to show you where you’re not in alignment but often times we ignore it bc were so used to ignoring the signs.
He didn’t want to listen and he shouldn’t have to if that was out of his comfort zone. He just wanted to find the next job. So I took the time to find similar jobs like what he was doing and sent a ton to him. I could already feel my heart closing to him. I started to contemplate whether or not he was a good fit bc I wanted to travel the world and I knew he couldn’t see a bigger picture than his own circumstances.
As I flew from Paris to Spain I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wanted a man who I didn’t have to share with a family they had started with someone else. I wanted my own kids one day I didn’t want to be a mother to someone else’s kids. I also didn’t want to share my lover with another woman bc she was the mother of his kids. I always thought I’d be okay with someone with kids but there was something in me that couldn’t be satisfied sharing with someone. This was my truth and I couldn’t ignore it.
I also couldn’t shake that he would never leave Montreal especially when he kept choosing jobs that kept people stuck in the 9-5 mentality. I was beginning to see that it wasn’t a good match, but I didn’t know how to break the news to him especially when he just lost his job. I was also afraid of hurting him bc we started dreaming up a life together. A life—I started to realize he wasn’t going to be able to create with me. I knew I was going to have to work up the courage to tell him I didn’t want to continue seeing him, but my mind was still trying make it work out somehow.
On the plane ride, I told God that I wanted a man who was just for me and I didn’t want to fly to a man any more. I also realized that every man I dated over the last year I had pursued. I told God the next man had to pursue me. I want someone to come after me for once. I wasn’t sure when this man would come but I was also deciding that I needed a break from relationships bc I was obviously not attracting the right men. Although I did realize each man I had been with brought something into my life or taught me something more about myself. My overall feeling was I was tired of looking and hoping to meet my King. It was draining emotionally searching for him and hoping each beautiful man with a great astrology match was maybe going to be the man I’d make a life with. I didn’t want to chase after men and try to make it work anymore. I wanted it to be easy. I wanted it to be my fuck yes man.
I decided to focus on me and not put all my energy into relationships that didn’t go anywhere. I was ready to recommit to my glass dildo and stop entangling my energy with men who were not the king I was trying to call in.
As much as I enjoyed each of these men fully–it was taxing on my soul to find out, they weren’t the man I hoped they would be. I knew my energy could be spent on other things like building a company, deeper friendships and loving myself even more.
When I landed in Spain and arrived at Hidden Paradise I was confused on what to do. Half of me wanted it to work out and half of me wanted to run in another direction. I couldn’t decide what to do and this man was really down from being fired from his job—I didn’t know how to have the conversation with him about how I was feeling. So instead, I kept trying to help him find jobs.
The pre-retreat started and I was meeting the facilitators, DJs, participants and reuniting with the Hidden Paradise staff—whom I loved dearly. Julia, the retreat owner, had become a dear friend of mine. She had gone through something similar to my story with my former fiancé and bc of this, we had bonded at Ultimate Goddess Retreat earlier that year. I kept her up on my love life and I was too embarrassed to say what was really happening so I just talked all the good things about this man but she didn’t seem impressed. Actually several friends responded the same and I tried not to think about it.
I was the main hostess for the retreat so I welcomed all the new guests. I gave them a tour and told them all the pertinent information and either Kes, Julia’s son, or I would take them to their rooms. I was having a great time reconnecting with friends and making new friends. So much so, that I kept putting how I was feeling about this man on the back burner. As I’m mingling with the participants and eating some of the yummy vegetarian food—Kes comes up to me and asks if I can welcome a car of people that’s arriving late. I agree.
Later that evening, Ronja tells me that Amani (who I was excited to meet bc he’s a badass DJ), Jordy and Jordy’s friend was going to arrive in the late taxi. She said Jordy’s friend joined last minute and we know nothing about him except that he’s Jordy’s friend. This made both of us laugh bc we kept asking the Universe to send more men and apparently he was a man.
A bunch of people were hanging out in the main kitchen dining area as I waited for this taxi to arrive. I was wearing a Spanish long sleeved bell arm crop top with matching leggings and my vibrams. Later that week, I would find out that I had Jordy the moment he saw my vibrams.
I hear car doors and in walks Amani and Jordy. I’m staring at Jordy and trying not to gawk bc he’s this gorgeous tall long blonde haired chiseled man wearing mala beads. The first thing I think is “damn, who’s that fine ass sexy man?”
I come back to my senses ninja quick hoping he didn’t notice me staring for that split second and then in walks Jordy’s friend—an Indian man with glasses. The Indian man looks directly at me and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is something about how beautiful I am. I’m a little shocked and he continues to compliment me and I try to just ignore him and get straight to business orienting them. I find out that the Indian man’s name is Kranti.
I tell Jordy and Kranti we decided to separate them so they could get to know other people. Kranti isn’t happy and says he wants to be with Jordy but I proceed to tell him it will be a growing lesson. He hits on me again bc he likes how I take charge of the situation and I think to myself “I got to get away from this man.”
I decide to ask Jordy if he’s ready to go to his treehouse and he starts raving about how he’s always wanted a treehouse and yes he’s ready to go. So we head out. I notice right away that he’s barefoot. I used to walk barefoot a lot more but hadn’t in a while. It says a lot about a person who walks barefoot. They don’t care about what people think, they also usually know about earthing and grounding, and they are usually pretty adventurous—yeah I was trying not to be impressed.
He was still talking about treehouses. I’ve always wanted to live in a treehouse. I caught a show on tv a couple times at my sisters house in Montana about treehouses and in random other friends houses. I loved this show and it started my love affair with treehouses which were usually tiny homes. I was all about trying to live a minimalist life. I had lived in a Ford Transit Van with my former fiancé for 7 months and I had told him and many others how a tiny home was my dream home. I remember surfing the internet looking at treehouses and dreaming about having one someday. I didn’t say any of this out loud to Jordy. I just kept trying not to be impressed with him by not talking. I was keeping my distance.
We got to his room and it was late but I didn’t want to walk alone with Kranti to his room so I asked, “do you want to go with me to take Kranti to his room?”
He smiled big and said, “yes!”
Deep down if I was honest with myself I also wanted to get to know him more. But I would have never admitted it to him or myself.
We get Kranti and he continues to hit on me as we get him settled into his room. The last thing he says to me is that he’s taking me home to meet his mom. Jordy laughs as Kranti smiles big at me waiting for my response. I don’t know what to say bc I’m not the least bit attracted to him and I’m not used to someone being that forward with me so I just walk away.
Jordy’s with me as we walk back up the mountain to the main kitchen area. He’s talking about saving the earth and caring about pacha mama and how he’s been on journey to the Amazon to do a plant medicine journey. I’m not commenting but I half want him to shut up bc I was just working with 2 different groups that were actively trying to save the Amazon. I started a daily prayer and a group to take actions on saving the Amazon. I had also done many plant medicine journeys but I stopped sitting with Grandmother bc I wanted the next one to be in Peru or in the Amazon. And if you knew anything about me you knew I was all about saving the earth. That’s one of the reasons I created my company HeartArise–to serve humanity and our planet. Again trying hard not to be impressed and speaking as little as possible.
We get to the main kitchen dining area and there’s a bunch of people still up there. We go up and people see Jordy. I literally witness every woman that meets him gawk at how beautiful of a man he is—it was quite funny actually bc they would meet him, get shy and step back and try to take him in without melting in his stunning good looks and piercing blue eyes. As I watch each woman do the same as they each meet him, I start to wonder if I did the same thing—“dammit I hope not,” I think to myself.
I check in with Amani and he’s good and knows where he’s staying and I head to bed. As I’m getting ready for bed I’m trying not to think about this gorgeous man I just met. There was no way this man was going to get into my heart. I just met him and I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the other guy with all the red flags. I didn’t want to think about it. Besides I wasn’t there to meet a man—I was there to help host Ecstatic Awakening.
And yet my heart kept wondering about this tall sexy blue eyed long blonde haired man that walked barefoot and wanted to save the Amazon. Who also cared deeply about Mother Earth and wanted to have a treehouse someday.
Who was he?
Why did he come to Ecstatic Awakening?
Why did I feel such a strong connection when I’ve barely just met him?
All these answers I would soon find out…
To be continued…