Am I Polyamorous?

“Do you want to cuddle?”

I couldn’t believe I said that out loud, but I knew if I didn’t ask Jordy one of the ladies attending the retreat was bound to ask him. It had been a whole day of me watching from afar as women flirted and looked at Jordy like school girls crushing on the hottest guy at the retreat.

I was barely on any sleep and had just moved to a new cabin because I was getting bit by sand flys in the other room I was in. Bugs always seem to find me wherever I go. I had ended up on the couch near the kitchen and Jordy and other people found me the next morning curious to why I was sleeping there. I had broken sleep the whole night and luckily opening ceremony was that evening.

Every time I went to rest I ran into people I wanted to connect to. Two of those people were Amani and Julia. They were outside on a porch at the top of the hill. Amani had just served rapé, a sacred tobacco, to Julia. Rapé has always cleared my mind, opened my third eye, gave me clarity and focus, while also tuning me into Source God Universe Great Spirit. I asked him if he could serve me and he agreed.

As soon as the medicine was fully in my system I just cried. Amani held space and Julia did too. Prior to coming to Spain I had had one of the most challenging months of my life. I launched my company HeartArise for the first time and it came with many challenges. A Business partnership that didn’t turn out the best which caused a lot of stress and heartache. My mom going into a mental institution the day before my launch because of her PTSD from a crazy ex husband who would stab her and then heal her. He was evil and constantly threatened to kill her and all of us kids (there’s 4 of us) if she spoke out. Then HeartARISE not making nearly as much as I had thought causing me to question whether or not I knew what I was doing.

And lastly meeting up with a man in Canada because all I wanted was cuddles and sex because so much had happened and sometimes comforting the physical parts of our selves somehow makes it all seem better. Then finding out his family was back in town after a week and I couldn’t stay with him because his children and mother of his kids were moving back in with him. This followed with him being distant and non responsive which wasn’t what I was needing.

I got really upset actually and jealous because he wouldn’t answer his phone or text back. He would tell me he was coming over to see me and then not show up. He wasn’t clearly communicating and it was starting to make me question. It wasn’t the experience I was expecting.

I ended up telling him I didn’t know if this was the relationship I wanted. He had told me he didn’t want to define our relationship just yet and let’s just see where it goes. I also talked to him about being polyamorous which he responded with a story of dating a woman who was poly and how he didn’t mind that she was poly. So I took that as yes he was open to it.

I had contemplated for years whether or not I was polyamorous because my former fiancé and so many other men accused me of being a cheater even though I was not. I had friends who told me maybe one man couldn’t handle all of me. Whenever things weren’t going right with my former fiancé, I often wondered what it would be like to be with other men. Especially since it felt like he didn’t want me or couldn’t accept all of me. Every time a relationship didn’t work out or seemed to not be working out I would wonder, Am I polyamorous?

So here I am in front of Tarzan, at least that’s what everyone started to call Jordy, and he just agreed yes, he would cuddle me. We laid in my bed and he wanted to tell me all about himself and his dreams. I just wanted him to shut up and cuddle me. I didn’t want to hear anymore about him. I didn’t want to like him and everything he talked about was making my heart feel something I wasn’t ready to feel. I just wanted to be held by a beautiful man and feel like everything was right in the world. I wanted everything to be silent because I was still trying to figure out whether or not I was polyamorous. And Jordy talking about all the things I wanted wasn’t helping.

Earlier that day after I took the rapé and cried, Amani asked me if he could hold me while I cried. I said yes. I wanted to be comforted. As I cried in his arms, feeling completely safe and held, the thought of polyamory came to my mind. Did I want to connect with this man sexually or was all I wanted was this loving embrace? I knew I wanted to connect deeply with him because his music really touched my soul but did that mean I wanted to have sex with him? I wasn’t sure but in that moment I just wanted a brother to hold me as I cried.

Jordy finally fell asleep after I wasn’t responding much. And then he started to snore. It wasn’t one of those quiet cute snores like mine sometimes – yes I periodically snore here and there but I’ve been told it’s cute–nope–this was one of those loud get out of my room kind of snores. Automatically I thought, “this will never work. I like to cuddle all through the night and if this mans snores there’s no way cuddling can happen. I don’t care how perfect this guys seems, he’s not for me.”

I laid there for a while hoping he would stop. I contemplated waking him up and telling him to go to his treehouse. I tried to figure out what to tell him. And then I decided to just get up and sleep on the couch in the kitchen again because I had to welcome two late arrivals anyways. They were arriving around 2 AM and I had an alarm set but at this rate with this snoring man I wasn’t going to get any sleep. So I slowly started to pull away from Jordy and he woke up. Great I thought.

“Where you going?” he asks.

“Oh I have to meet 2 participants that are arriving late. I can’t sleep so I figured I would go up there early so I don’t miss them.”

“And then you’ll come back?”

“Um…yeah…” shit, I thought. What did I just agree too?

I quickly get ready and leave the cabin. I’m mad at myself for telling him I would come back. I had planned to just stay up there on the couch. Dammit. Another night of no sleep because I care too much about hurting his feelings. Ugh. I decided fine it was going to be another night of no sleep and then no more cuddling with this man the rest of the week. I needed sleep.

I’m walking up the hill and I hear people chatting by La Rocha–the place I was originally staying in. It was Poranguí and Ashley! I went up to greet them. They had just arrived and Amani and Gabriel were both catching up with them.

Poranguí and Ashley express how they would prefer to be in a treehouse and Amani says “well let’s ask the Viking if he’ll switch with them.”

“Who’s the Viking?” I ask.

“The tall one that’s staying above my treehouse.”

A smile comes across my face, “oh you mean Jordy?”

“Yeah the tall blonde guy.”

I leave to go get Jordy and I’m so excited to get him out of my bed. I wake him up and tell him how Poranguí is this badass Dj that really wants to stay in the treehouse. It doesn’t take much and Jordy agrees to move. Porangui and Ashley are super grateful and as they’re all switching rooms I have to go welcome the two participants arriving late, one of which is Jordy’s roommate Dennis.

I take them each to their rooms and drop Dennis off with Jordy. I’m feeling thrilled that I got Jordy out of my bed and I start to walk back to my cabin so happy that I’m actually going to get sleep tonight.

Jordy comes up behind me and I’m like shit. What does he want?

“I’m coming back to your cabin, yeah?” he asks.

Shit. Everything in me wants to say no.

I open my mouth, “yeah…sure…” dammit Trinidad I think to myself why can’t you just tell him what you want. Ugh!

He smiles at me and we go to my cabin. He snuggles into me and I’m like great as I await his snores.

The next thing I know my alarm goes off. I wake up and I’m wrapped in Jordy’s arms. I realize I actually slept. Jordy asks me what I’m going to go do. I tell him I have to set up the earth temple and I get up and leave.

As I’m walking down the mountain I realize he wasn’t snoring the 2nd time round. Then I’m wondering if I should try having him cuddle me again. I get down to the earth temple and Ronja’s already down there. We’re setting up and I’m telling her how I switched Jordy and Dennis with Ashley and Poranguí. I tell her how Amani calls Jordy a Viking and we laugh.

“Wow, Jordy is a really beautiful man,” Ronja says with a smile.

“I know and I invited him to cuddle me last night.”

“What?! Trinidad?!” She’s smirking at me and then says, “Please don’t do anything more than that because the facilitators aren’t supposed to mix with the participants.”

“I won’t I just want to cuddle,” I say as I gaze at her smirking face.

In the back of my mind I’m thinking–besides I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the other guy and whether or not I’m polyamorous.

In my heart I know I’ve always wanted to be with one man. But after meeting several men this past year who wanted to be polyamorous and speaking to multiple woman who also chose that lifestyle — I was open to the idea of it. I had witnessed so many people exploring their sexuality while I lived in Bali and I wondered what mine was going to look like.

I thought maybe this was my chance to test it out. And maybe Jordy would be open to it. I wasn’t sure but I aimed to find out.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

To be continued…

Cover Art by @muhammedsalah_

2 thoughts on “Am I Polyamorous?

  1. Wait… how long do I need to wait? I’m already committed to reading about your life on this blog. You can’t leave me hanging! Either way, your life sounds amazing. Excited to read your next blog!

    Liked by 1 person

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