“You know I have lots of super sexy conscious girlfriends that you could date. They’re really beautiful.” It came out so easily and it made Jordy pause.
“So you want me to date your sexy friends?” he looked at me with curiosity.
“They are pretty sexy and smart and spiritual and they can DANCE. ANNNNDDD I have one that asked me to look out for a tall sexy man–you fit the bill.”
“I don’t want to date your friends, Trinidad. I want you,” he looked at me so certain it shook me.
Damn. That didn’t work. I thought. I wasn’t actually thinking about being polyamorous when I said this about my girlfriends. In this moment I was pushing him away and if I’m honest with myself maybe even seeing how much he really liked me. He just said he wants me. Does he actually want to be with me? Doubt was lingering in me because of all the other men I had experienced over the past year. I knew I deserved a King, but I still had moments of doubt.
“Well we can’t kiss or do anything sexual. Ronja said it’s against the rules. Facilitators aren’t supposed to mix with participants,” I said matter of factly.
I was saying this more because I knew if wanted anything with him I’d have to fully break things off with the guy from Montreal. And in this moment I wasn’t sure what to feel. I had dated several guys this year that thought they wanted to be with me, but who weren’t willing to commit and go all in with me. He could be another one of those guys. I was scared to like him and I couldn’t admit it to myself. I didn’t want to trust him.
He was looking at me and I could feel it.
“I don’t know if I can’t kiss you, but we can stick to the rules on everything else,” he said with a half smile.
If my face could flush through my brown skin I would have been a cherry.
“You can’t kiss me. We’re not going to kiss,” I tried to say as serious as possible trying hard not to smirk back at him. He was direct and I liked that. Over the past year I had been very direct with every guy I was interested in. I was starting to feel something and I knew it. Dang it, I thought. This guy has got me feeling all kinds of mixed emotions.
“Okay…we’ll see, but I’m not making any promises I won’t kiss you” he says with a devilish grin. That smile made me melt and I knew he was going to get me in trouble in more ways than one.
It was evening. I had skipped most of the sessions throughout the morning to get back to my center, rest, and workout. I had lots of pent up energy that had to be released.
Whenever Jordy was around I tried to ignore him, but I kept catching myself trying to see what he was up to. He was usually being a social butterfly and oh boy did the women love chatting with him. They were giggling and smiling and loved the attention. He’s a beautiful man, who wouldn’t love that attention from him? I liked that though. He was a damn sexy man and when other woman flirted with him it made me desire him.
I always wanted to have the freedom to fully express and flirt without being judged. A lot of men flirted with me and I didn’t mind. I also knew how to create boundaries and speak my truth if I didn’t want it. But I can’t tell you how many times I got in trouble in previous relationships when another man would flirt with me and if I laughed back–oh boy that would definitely get a stern talk from whomever I was dating. I would be accused of flirting and get yelled at.
I don’t think flirting should stop in a relationship, yet so many people get threatened by it. I don’t care if the guy I’m with flirts with other women. I’m secure enough in who I am to know that doesn’t threaten my relationship. It doesn’t bother me, unless they have an intention to pursue the other person. Usually you can feel that and then you can ask and if the intention is pure and innocent–I carry on with life and keep trusting. As long as two people are committed, know it and love each other what’s the hurt in allowing them to experience other humans fully? Allowing the other person to flirt is giving them freedom to be fully themselves. I think it’s really all in the intention. I trust people fully and let them be and if they break that trust, then we can have a conversation. I’ll ask deep questions and really tough direct questions. I used to be afraid to have these talks, but not anymore. I’d rather have truth than hide behind a facade of pretending.
People need to be free. We try to control every aspect of the human experience because of fears and insecurities. If someone’s going to cheat, it’s because something in the relationship is off. If everything is going good, love flows and grows. Love leads to intimacy, intimacy leads to passion, and passion leads to incredible sex. People don’t cheat because they are happy and satisfied. They cheat because they’re unhappy and unsatisfied. You can usually feel when something’s off, but most people ignore this feeling because they don’t want to face the truth.
People are too afraid to speak the truth. They’re too afraid to say things like, “hey this relationship is shitty. We fight all the time. We’re never happy. Something is wrong, I can feel it. We don’t have sex. You don’t look at me with love anymore. The passion is gone. I don’t think I love you anymore. I’m using you for sex. I’m using you because really I don’t want to be alone. I’m with you because you’re a placeholder until I find that person.”
So instead of saying these things they cheat. And maybe they do say these things, but there’s always one person that can’t let go–this can be the cheater or the person being cheated on. That person usually ignores their truth because they’ve numbed it. They know its not working but they’re attached to idea of being in a relationship. They probably don’t want to go out into the dating world. They’re probably too afraid to be alone. They might be lost in the identity of being in a relationship–the boyfriend, the girlfriend, taken, not single. They may not even know who they are anymore. This can be a really scary place to be and so many people are unwilling to see the truth because their so afraid of what that truth really means. So they live a half existence. Living a half existence is not living. Trust me.
Or maybe it’s this story: “I gave up everything to be with you. I’m in a job I can’t stand. I’m overweight because I can’t figure out why I’m unhappy. I hate everyone that has the life I want. I don’t even think I’m attracted to you anymore.”
People like to pretend and it’s destroying our world. People like to hide because they’re so afraid of the truth and what that will do to them. What they don’t realize is that speaking the truth is actually what is going to set them free.
I’m only speaking from experience. I remember being on both sides. I was trapped in a marriage I could no longer stand to be in and my former husband couldn’t let me go. One too many times he didn’t stand up for me. He chose to stand with everyone else when I was his wife. I felt so betrayed, abandoned, and alone. I don’t blame him though. My spiritual gifts had woken up and it was weird AF–especially to him. I was a spiritual baby trying to figure out these powerful gifts coming through my blood lineage and not everyone can handle that process. Shit I was barely handling it myself. He couldn’t accept me and I couldn’t be with someone that wanted to diminish my gifting. I was dying to find myself and to have freedom. I had changed so much of who I was to be with him and I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend. He didn’t know how to let me go and he refused to let me have a divorce.
I was trapped. I can’t tell you how many fights we had just because I wanted to leave. Do you know what it feels like to be in a relationship that you want to leave but the other person refuses to let you go? It feels like death to be honest. I remember begging and begging my former husband to let me go. He wouldn’t. And guess what happened? I cheated on him and then he finally let me go. I didn’t have sex but I did plenty of other things to cause the end of our marriage.
He actually thanked me for cheating on him because he couldn’t see how bad our marriage really was. He refused to see the truth because he was afraid of what a divorce would do to his reputation. He was afraid because he was older and he felt less attractive. He was afraid to have to date again. He felt inadequate in so many ways. Cheating allowed him to finally get past all his fears and insecurities and let me go.
Now am I saying that it’s okay to cheat. NO, not at all. I don’t agree with cheating. I think we should always tell the truth. I felt trapped. If I would have told him that I was about to cheat on him–he would have convinced me not to cheat and then he would have forced me to stay in the marriage. How do I know? He told me afterwards that’s what he would have done. He forgave me and no he didn’t agree with my actions, but he also realized he played a part in me choosing to do so. This is what can happen when you can’t let go when someone wants to leave. They get desperate and do things that can hurt.
Funny, as I write this I remember Mike, my former fiance, begging me to let him go, but I couldn’t. Tears coming down now as I remember how interesting and funny life really is. He ended up leaving me for another woman and I don’t blame him. I was trying to keep him in a relationship that clearly was not working. He wanted a different life than what I was willing to give him and every time I tried to create the life he wanted I died inside. When I would die inside, I would hate myself and hate him. This created a recipe for disaster.
We try to make things work even though we know damn well it’s not working. We fight, we cry, we argue, we make excuses, we blame, we do the trauma thing. You can feel it. You know nothing’s going right, yet you try and try to make it work. When someone has trauma it’s a constant battle. It’s a concoction of fear, victim, insecurities, accusations, blame and it just goes in circles over and over and over again.
Why? Because whoever is in the trauma–which is usually both people–needs to take the time to heal and love themselves fully before they go into the next relationship. I’m not saying it won’t ever work. If one person in the relationship has a secure attachment style and can have unwavering unconditional love it might work. And if two people are committed to making it work and getting help–it could work.
There’s reasons why the trauma is there and there are tools available to help you process all these things that are causing so much pain for you and for them. We have to stop going into every relationship thinking it will be different when we’ve done nothing to help ourselves. There’s so much trauma being thrown around in the world when we have so many solutions to these problems. Stop being the problem and start finding the solutions. I took the time to really look at all these things and I really hope you do too.
It’s about being whole. Not being two halves trying to make or force each other to be whole. Sometimes we need to learn to let go and trust that things will work out for the best. We need to realize that we can’t force people to love us if there’s no love there. We also need to realize how we created it. It’s never just one person’s fault. It’s both. There would be less fights and less hurt if we could set people free. We need to learn to set more people free with love and especially set ourselves free.
I’ve been both the trapped person and the one who trapped the other person. I remember telling myself after I got divorced that I would never keep someone in a relationship they didn’t want to be in and then I did it to Mike. I was the monster that I saw my former husband being. Life is really a beautiful unfolding. Life is constantly showing us both sides so we can remember what it truly means to be human. It’s humbling really.
If you’re reading this, please don’t trap another person into staying with you. Let them go. When you hold them against their will or hold them when you know things aren’t working…darkness is inevitable to birth. Let people be free. We didn’t come to this earth to control how another person is or how they interact with others. There are so many other things we can focus our attention on than being jealous and controlling.
If someone cheats, express how you feel–betrayed, hurt, confused. Then have that talk about why it happened. Try to look at how you co-created it. Tell them they broke your trust and your boundaries. Tell them you don’t deserve that. Tell them you deserve a love where someone loves only you–if that’s what you want. Don’t say they broke your heart–be mindful of conscious language. If you say you have a broken heart then that’s what you’ll attract in the next person–a broken person. Do you want that? NOPE. Good. Then thank them for helping you realize it wasn’t working. And let them go with love. Don’t be cruel and ugly–we don’t need more of that in the world–we need more love. Remember they’re just removing themselves from your life so you can call in a more resonate match. Trust that. And if you decide to work through it–awesome. It’s all up to you and being honest and truthful can usually bring about healing.
Cheating is a conscious choice whether you realize it or not. You don’t cheat and then think OMGosh, did I just cheat? Oh no, you go into it willingly. There’s a thrill in it because you’re hoping you don’t get caught and there’s chemicals flowing in your brain and body that give you a high. The thing is when you cheat, someone always gets hurt.
No one ever deserves to be hurt and we can be better humans than that. Learn how to speak the truth in every moment no matter how much you think it’s going to hurt the other person. Don’t hide and lie. Hiding and lying hurts the other person even more. Betrayal hurts. I know because I’ve been on both sides.
“I’m kind of seeing someone right now,” I said as Jordy stared deep into my eyes. I knew I had to tell him the truth. I wasn’t going to hide it.
He didn’t seem phased and said, “I don’t care that you’re seeing someone right now.”
Whoa. Okay. Wow. I guess it’s obvious that I don’t know if I want to continue with the other guy and Jordy obviously knows that. I did asked him to cuddle me. Of course he doesn’t care. Wow, this guy really wants to be with me.
“I’ve been trying to work up the courage to break things off with him because things aren’t going the best” I felt like I was confessing. What happened to me thinking I wanted to be polyamorous? Was I trying to be in a monogamous relationship with this guy?
I continued, “He has a family and when they came back in the picture he stopped answering my phone calls and I felt like he was hiding me from them. I thought I would be okay with it but I don’t think I can.”
“I dated a woman with kids. She was amazing and so were her kids, but there was a lot I wasn’t willing to take on. I understand.”
“I just wasn’t expecting to meet you Jordy–I was ready to focus more on me and building a company and using my glass dildo. Shit I was even thinking about trying out woman.”
He laughed at me, “Women?”
“Yes. I feel like women understand me more,” I said half heartedly. Among thinking I was polyamorous, I also contemplated if I should try dating women for the first time.
“I came here to come after you.”
He laughed. “Well I also wanted to attend the retreat, but I saw you do a video for Ecstatic Awakening and you were talking about praying for the Amazon. Then I found some pictures of you. I showed your picture to two of my friends and I told them I was going to spend the week with you.”
I was in shock, but I couldn’t make the smile on my face go away. “You came here knowing you were going to spend the week with me and I asked you to cuddle me!?!?!?!”
He laughed his cute laugh and looked at me with so much certainty, “Yes and I am going to spend the rest of the week with you.”
I think I might of hit him playfully. And somewhere in the midst of that play he leaned in and kissed me. I couldn’t stop and I didn’t want too.
As we cuddled, he told me how he’s always wanted to meet a woman like me–spiritual, cares about the earth, sexy, compassionate, and can dance.
“It was worth the wait,” he said as he looked at me like I was magic.
“What was worth the wait?” I asked because I needed confirmation.
“You were,” he looked at me with so much love.
All I could do was melt. Who was this man? How did he find me? Damn. I have to tell the other guy and its going to break his heart. Did I even deserve this?
I waited until he fell asleep and then I got up to text the other guy. I could feel the guilt swelling up in my heart. Damn why am I feeling so guilty? If I’m polyamorous this shouldn’t matter. Fuck maybe I’m not polyamorous. Dammit. Okay, well we didn’t have sex so that’s not cheating right? Fuck. Well I had that talk with him about being polyamorous. So everything should be fine. Right Trinidad? Damn, well I didn’t make sure that’s what he wanted because I was too afraid he would say no he didn’t want to be polyamorous. Fuck. Am I even polyamorous? Was I just using that as a scapegoat so I didn’t have to face the truth? Okay Trinidad what’s the truth?
I started to realize very quickly that the only reason I wanted to be polyamorous was because I was afraid that no one really wanted to love just me. I thought that maybe all the different pieces that made the person who was Trinidad wasn’t someone that one person could fully accept. I thought maybe I needed to set myself free to love multiple people and to be sexually free.
If I dated multiple men they could accept and love different parts of me. They could fulfill different parts that one other person couldn’t handle. I remember sharing about my spiritual AF side with all my abilities to several men and I could tell it scared the fuck out of them. I remember loving fiercely and baring my heart and it scared them. I remember moving fast and it made them run. I thought why keep trying to find one man to love me when none of them really wanted to be with me anyways.
I remember fantasizing about having multiple lovers with them all fully knowing they weren’t the only one. I remember this sexually exciting me at the thought of having multiple lovers, but then quickly thinking how the fuck was I going to manage everyones emotions, mind, and entire being when I’m just learning how to manage my own. Managing my entire being and holding space for another person is a lot. Doing that with multiple people would be exhausting. Even thinking about it is exhausting.
And now I had this man laying in my bed telling me he came here to pursue me and he only wanted me and I was worth the wait. This man who had the same vision of life as me and who had done the work on himself. This man who kept surprising me and who I had only known for a couple days. This man who stalked me online. Is he the one I’ve been hoping to meet? Is he the man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Is he my king? So many thoughts. So many questions. Fear and excitement rushing through my entire being as I walked up the spanish mountain to the kitchen area.
Before I texted the man from Montreal. I decided to call my mom. I told her about Jordy and she said, “Remember that vision I had of you being with a tall white man?”
“This is him, baby!”
Then I told her I had to tell the other guy.
“I knew it wasn’t him (the man from Montreal), I had a vision he was cheating on you with the mother of his children,” my mother reminded me.
“I know mom, you told me the night you were certain it happened.” This was the other reason I wanted to end things with this man. I didn’t have proof but I could feel it before my mom had called me that night and she told me she had a vision about it. Funny thing being able to tap into the etheric realm and having a mother who can see the truth. I asked him about it and he denied it. But then another one of his ex’s had contacted me really early on in the relationship and warned me about him. She said many things that broke my heart. I remember wailing in a park by a tree to one of my friends because I couldn’t believe that I had attracted someone like him into my life.
Yet because the sex was so good, we had incredible conversations, he loved me deeply, and showed emotional intelligence–I stayed. I stayed even though I saw the red flags. I stayed because I had fallen for him and the love chemicals were confusing me to see what was really true. There’s a science behind it and I knew it but I wanted that human connection. So much that I ignored my gut feeling. I wanted to believe maybe I could help him be a better man–oh you know that savior complex. I told myself on the plane to Spain that I’m not the savior and I won’t go into the drama triangle of saving someone. I’m too old for that and it’s not something I want to spend my time doing.
I got off the phone with my mom and texted him. I asked him how the job hunt was going. One of the main reasons I didn’t break things off with him was because he had just lost his job right after I left. I didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t want to be with him when he was already in such a low state. He was really distraught from losing his job and I didn’t want to make matters worse so I waited, but I could wait no longer. He told me he started to realize what I was saying about losing his job that it was an opportunity to start a new life. He said I was waking him up and reminding him what he was aiming for in life at first.
Damn. Wasn’t expecting that. I knew I couldn’t sugar coat it so I told him all the things that I was frustrated about. They were all things I told him to his face when I had saw him last. And then I told him I met someone who doesn’t have all these things that frustrate me and that this man was on the same path as me. I told him how we had all these things in common.
I told him I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone. I told him I’m half wondering if I’m polyamorous. I said that because part of me was still scared that Jordy didn’t really want to be with me. I was using it as an excuse and I knew I was. Fuck it’s hard to be honest.
He got upset and texted all kinds of things that he ended up deleting and he did what most people can’t do. He let me go. It took a couple days of a lot of honest conversation, but we ended it.
And I did the shitty thing–I didn’t do it over the phone–I did it over text. I was afraid to hear his voice because he had one of those sexy sultry french accents. Every time we talked it made me melt. I couldn’t hear his voice and end things. I knew it would have been too hard. It’s funny how as humans we have such a hard time saying the truth.
We need to learn how to speak the truth no matter how hard it is. When you speak the truth you don’t feel guilt or shame. When you speak the truth you free not only them, but yourself. Trust me, speaking the truth is always better than telling a lie.
I didn’t get any sleep that night. I felt like I was in a dream.
Was there really this beautiful man that seemed like he’s everything I could have ever asked for sleeping in my bed? Did he really mean it when he said I was worth the wait? Did he want to be with one person too? Did he believe in finding one person to love for the rest of his life?
I had no idea, but I wasn’t about to just let him in. I put up a wall to protect myself just in case. He stalked me online and maybe just maybe he’s making all of this up just to have sex with me. I had just fallen in love deep and hard for two other men right before him hoping they were the one–making that a total of three men I fell in love with this past year. He would be the fourth. I wasn’t going to fall for this guy so easily. I put up my wall, but part of me wanted to just remain open. Part of me wanted to believe that he could be the man I had been waiting to meet. The man who I would build a life with. The man who I would grow old with. The man who would love only me.
And maybe he was, but I wanted my heart to be safe just in case.
To be continued…
Cover Art by @broken_isnt_bad